Motives

(From Unpublished draft December 2017)

My husband and I talked about how I used to write and express myself through writing. I am surprised to know that he reads my blog since I only write to put together the thoughts I want to organize and share with others. 

I am on a social media fast today that will extend for a week to be able to detox on daily musings. I used to post consistently, if not almost daily. There were times that I feel like my time is stolen from me spending my time posting instead of just enjoying the posts “reality”.

Makes me wonder on my motives on posting, then I realized that posting feeds my insecurity and hunger for self-validation. This should not be my ultimate goal, I was reminded. 

Now moving forward, I would like to be more accountable with my motives - because oftentimes we neglect the gravity of having pure thoughts and pure intentions that should reflect in our actions.

Speaking of pure motives, thoughts and actions - guards down, we could easily slip. 

 

Borrowed Time.

(From Unpublished draft January 23, 2019)

I feel like I am living on borrowed time.

Only last week that we found out that our baby has not developed fully, his condition is way worse than what we have expected from the onset our doctor told us there is something that should not be there. We were told he is not going to make it to fully complete full term pregnancy. In case he makes it (which is unlikely), he would not even last longer than we would prefer and may even suffer by being born. 

We were told to wait for our baby’s heart to fully stop or naturally have miscarriage. In short, we are to painfully live each day and wait on when can we finally move on. 

I guess that is the best way I can describe my situation without really going into each details. To go through about the entire ordeal again is just painfu. I am still in unexplainable pain and grief. We have heard stories of miscarriage but having something to know about it even before it happens it takes you to a whole new level of wondering what you did wrong and agony of waiting for an even bad news to happen.

I am angry. I am angry at those people who may wish for this to happen to me. I think I am delusional to think that some had wish for this to happen to me. I am angry with myself that I was not able to prevent this to happen. No matter how many times I was told this is out of our control, I somehow believed that I could’ve handled this pregnancy better. 

This feeling that I now live on borrowed time tortures me...borrowed time to enjoy my baby growing inside my tummy, borrowed time to celebrate motherhood to our most awaited son, borrowed time to find joy, peace and love, borrowed time to live each day in full, borrowed time to learn how to accept our situation.

I just wish that it was me then and not him that will be taken away.. for I know I have lived and enjoyed much already. 

I feel that my time is running so fast and I won’t be able to find all the answers before I could enjoy the remaining time I am to spend with our baby. I am scared to wake up each day knowing last night was my last chance to spend time with my baby and not make the best out of it, worse have not found the answers.