Motives

(From Unpublished draft December 2017)

My husband and I talked about how I used to write and express myself through writing. I am surprised to know that he reads my blog since I only write to put together the thoughts I want to organize and share with others. 

I am on a social media fast today that will extend for a week to be able to detox on daily musings. I used to post consistently, if not almost daily. There were times that I feel like my time is stolen from me spending my time posting instead of just enjoying the posts “reality”.

Makes me wonder on my motives on posting, then I realized that posting feeds my insecurity and hunger for self-validation. This should not be my ultimate goal, I was reminded. 

Now moving forward, I would like to be more accountable with my motives - because oftentimes we neglect the gravity of having pure thoughts and pure intentions that should reflect in our actions.

Speaking of pure motives, thoughts and actions - guards down, we could easily slip. 

 

Borrowed Time.

(From Unpublished draft January 23, 2019)

I feel like I am living on borrowed time.

Only last week that we found out that our baby has not developed fully, his condition is way worse than what we have expected from the onset our doctor told us there is something that should not be there. We were told he is not going to make it to fully complete full term pregnancy. In case he makes it (which is unlikely), he would not even last longer than we would prefer and may even suffer by being born. 

We were told to wait for our baby’s heart to fully stop or naturally have miscarriage. In short, we are to painfully live each day and wait on when can we finally move on. 

I guess that is the best way I can describe my situation without really going into each details. To go through about the entire ordeal again is just painfu. I am still in unexplainable pain and grief. We have heard stories of miscarriage but having something to know about it even before it happens it takes you to a whole new level of wondering what you did wrong and agony of waiting for an even bad news to happen.

I am angry. I am angry at those people who may wish for this to happen to me. I think I am delusional to think that some had wish for this to happen to me. I am angry with myself that I was not able to prevent this to happen. No matter how many times I was told this is out of our control, I somehow believed that I could’ve handled this pregnancy better. 

This feeling that I now live on borrowed time tortures me...borrowed time to enjoy my baby growing inside my tummy, borrowed time to celebrate motherhood to our most awaited son, borrowed time to find joy, peace and love, borrowed time to live each day in full, borrowed time to learn how to accept our situation.

I just wish that it was me then and not him that will be taken away.. for I know I have lived and enjoyed much already. 

I feel that my time is running so fast and I won’t be able to find all the answers before I could enjoy the remaining time I am to spend with our baby. I am scared to wake up each day knowing last night was my last chance to spend time with my baby and not make the best out of it, worse have not found the answers. 

Work in Progress.

Today marks my 3*st birthday and as I celebrate it, I can't help but remember how God has brought me this far and continually bringing me further. 

As I start another year, I pray that like King David in 2 Samuel 7:18-29,  I (together with my family) would be able to live a life not leaving God's sight. 

    18 Then King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said:
“Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?19 And as if this were not enough in your sight, Sovereign Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant—and this decree, Sovereign Lord, is for a mere human![c]20 “What more can David say to you? For you know your servant, Sovereign Lord. 21 For the sake of your word and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made it known to your servant.22 “How great you are, Sovereign Lord! There is no one like you, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears. 23 And who is like your people Israel—the one nation on earth that God went out to redeem as a people for himself, and to make a name for himself, and to perform great and awesome wonders by driving out nations and their gods from before your people, whom you redeemed from Egypt?[d] 24 You have established your people Israel as your very own forever, and you, Lord, have become their God.25 “And now, Lord God, keep forever the promise you have made concerning your servant and his house. Do as you promised, 26 so that your name will be great forever. Then people will say, ‘The Lord Almighty is God over Israel!’ And the house of your servant David will be established in your sight.27 “Lord Almighty, God of Israel, you have revealed this 

to your servant, saying, ‘I will build a house for you.’ So your servant has found courage to pray this prayer to you.28 Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant. 29 Now be pleased to bless the house of your servant, that it may continue forever in your sight; for you, Sovereign Lord, have spoken, and with your blessing the house of your servant will be blessed forever.” 

Thank you Jesus for giving Your life to a mere human like me. Thank you for Your Gift of salvation. Thank you for Your gift of redemption, mercy and grace. Thank you Lord for Your promises and for staying true to Your words. Thank you for giving me friends and family who truly care and love me. Thank you for my 31 years of existence.

Living Truths

I have started so many offline drafts, but this one I hope I could publish. Note that it has been about two years since my last blog post.

*** 

Last February 5, my husband and I experienced something far worse than other medical challenges we have had being married for almost 5 years. I am writing on this blog some points that I have learned which would serve as a reminder and a marker on how God has been faithful to us during this difficult situation. If you are interested to know, just continue reading below. 

1. When faced with challenges, WORRY makes things worse. JUST PRAY.

My husband was brought to the ER last Sunday (February 05) when he almost collapsed at home, half of his is face swelling. I witnessed how he panicked and fought the feeling of collapsing when he started to slowly lose his vision. He was shivering with both hands up as if he was drowning. I was hysterically crying when I was dialing my mother in law's number so I can ask for help bringing my husband to the ER.

I was shaken and was freaking out with overwhelming worries. At the ER, there were several doctors who checked on him, neurologists, experts on infectious diseases and ENTs trying to rule out a possible brain infection. My husband has been dealing with a nose infection 2 days before the emergency. 

I will be honest, I was not able to pray. My mind was pre-occupied imagining worse scenarios. I was crying at the ER. My husband had to assure me that things will be fine, it was then that I was reminded to pray. After praying, I felt God's comfort and peace embracing me while I go through the process, trusting God alone to intervene with the results of all laboratory tests. The tests came back with negative results of any brain infection. 

When faced with difficult situations, our faith is put to test. When our security is shaken, the way we respond reveals to us what is lying in our inner most thoughts. It may be embarrassing to admit but after the incident I realized that I need to dig deeper and anchor my roots further with God. After all, He is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of troubles. Psalms 46:1

2. Money is liquid. CELEBRATE LIFE. 

I asked for our outstanding bill then together with my husband, we evaluated our finances. While discussing the ballpark figure of the estimated total, my husband quickly noticed that I became quiet. He knew that I am already devising some plans in order for me to get the sum needed, he smiled and blurted these words out: "I thought I was going to die last Sunday, thank God it's just __ hundred __ __ thousand pesos!"

Unintentionally, I was rebuked by his statement. I stopped thinking and decided to look at things with faith. I smiled and agreed with him by replying to him - "You're right". Then we both laughed (my laugh might be teary than his). 

Sometimes, difficult situations make us forget what is really important and what character muscles God wants us to build and exercise.

In our case, we became grateful that we are alive. No matter how huge our bill would be, it would never outweigh the value of just being alive. Instead of magnifying our struggles, let's celebrate those little things that makes us alive. 

3. Watch out for MIRACLES.

During difficult situations, many things can blind us on noticing simple miracles God orchestrated. In our case, some were just revealed after the incident so I would like to enumerate it while they are still fresh in my memory. 

My immediate family was around that Sunday. My mom and other siblings + brother in law were at my place during the incident. It was my mom and sisters who acted quickly while I hysterically panicked during the situations. My brother in law sprinted to hail a cab and assisted me in carrying my husband out of the building (he can barely walk). I'm supposed to be just with my 3yo daughter and her nanny. For sure the scenarios will be different.

My mother in law came to immediately assist me in the ER right after they heard the news. I found out later on that they were not supposed to be near the area. 

We were able to get rid of the bacteria (staphylococcus aureas) that is causing the recurring infection for about four months now. If it was found out at a later time, PJ’s condition could’ve been worse.

I just recently resigned from work hence no medical cards. However, upon inquiring with Philhealth (1) my contributions were up to date last year (until December). If I missed a month, I won't be able to get any coverage. (2) I was not able to declare my dependents when I changed my civil status but Philhealth accepted my claim after presenting my (3) NSO marriage certificate (which I do not know why I carry in my purse). (4) Philhealth's yearly cut off is March. The incident happened February, if the emergency happened a month later then it would've been past the cut off. 

(5) Our huge bill was covered with a "pay when able" arrangement. *huge sigh of relief* 

Later on, we even found out that upon hearing the news, one of PJ's basketball friend in our condo got his car parked from the basement ready to bring us to the hospital while my brother in law was hailing a cab.

To some, all these sound like plain coincidences. But truth is God is capable of orchestrating things to work for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28), He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬). 

I am just glad to experience and share these Bible truths. God's word is alive and true in our life. Our family will always be grateful to the God that we serve. Indeed, He is faithful.

Little Andi.

Dear Precious Little Girl,

The feeling of great anticipation placed to sudden waiting broke mommy's heart big time today. :( 

But it also made me realized that you, precious one is ALREADY WORTH WAITING FOR as early as now. This waiting game can make me wait longer but I won't mind because you are so precious to us. Take your time and never hurry for you deserve to be waited little princess.

We are trusting God's purpose, wisdom and timing and so we will patiently wait.

Love,

Mommy 

Freedom in His Unconditional Love.

But in our time something new has been added. What Moses and the prophets witnessed to all those years has happened. The God-setting-things-right that we read about has become Jesus-setting-things-right for us. And not only for us, but for everyone who believes in him. For there is no difference between us and them in this. Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ. (Romans 3:21-24 MSG)

Greatest Love Story

It wasn’t so long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn’t know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. 

We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. 

It’s a wonder God didn’t lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heaven in company with Jesus, our Messiah. (Ephesians 2:1-6 MSG)

I can't thank God enough for loving me.. :)

Alter Ego.

My husband and I just watched about a testimony of a girl who just recently surrendered her life to Jesus. Her testimony is a perfect example of God's compassion and mercy. I was again in awe of God's gift of redemption and forgiveness to mankind. For her, freedom from a bottomless pit of insecurity is to let go of her "alter ego".

During her testimony, she recalled, “I felt so loved that day because I was put in hair and makeup. I was told I was beautiful. I was going to be a star. But I was drained empty...I was so robotic, I was like a rubber Barbie doll. I had no emotions...I had an alter ego.”

Today's world defines beauty by ironically showcasing themselves as "carefree individuals who doesn't mind what other people will say" but in reality, most their motive is to make themselves look cool, therefore "acceptable". 

Today's generation seems to be so willing to set aside their values and depth just to chase what they seem to see as true happiness therefore, lose their identity on "alter egos". They believe these alter egos would make them feel better. So much to get a better version of themselves by trying to re-create who they are.

Alter ego - for some, is the perfect picture of who they are.

Yes, nothing is wrong with trying to be better. However my fear is that the more we crave for perfection, the less we see ourselves dependent on God's ability to mold us into the character He wants all of us to desire. Therefore, to only God should we always have to be acceptable. 

Romans 12: 1-2 

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, ^[a]acceptable to God, which is your ^[b]spiritual service of worship. ² And do not be conformed to this ^[c]world, but be transformed by therenewing of your mind, so that you may ^[d]prove what the will of God is, that which is good and ^[e]acceptable and perfect.

Live to Tell the Tale.

Marriage will make you appreciate God more and His ability to find the person that would perfectly fit the kind of relationship He wants us to experience. 

Living with my husband for almost nine months now gave me a detailed view of how dedicated God is to align, correct, and balance my life according to His will. From unhealthy habits, dragging worries, to impractical spending; I can say that for that 9 months of being together, God was able to use my husband as an effective avenue to help me improve as a person.

There are many things I discovered along the way about his character that surprised me and made me appreciate him all the more. Here's some to enumerate:

-He is more organized at home than I am. When I met him, I never thought that he'd be more picky with colors and has the final say with house aesthetics than me. He has more preferences than me. He's good at setting standards. Never in our entire boyfriend-girlfriend relationship did I see that coming! :)

-He is a morning person, surprisingly. He would normally wake me up with a kiss on my forehead and a pot of freshly brewed coffee to start my day.

-While most of us find our uninterrupted time to read the bible in the morning or right before we sleep, PJ would normally study it in between his work breathers. He would also share his revelations already incorporated to his daily experiences that makes me remember and practice God's word better. 

-Most people think that he always say "yes" and would just go with the flow. On the contrary, he's more opinionated than how we perceive him to be. He won't give up until you fully accept his beliefs. His solutions to some problems may seem to sound absurd sometimes but his opinions never fail to come with wisdom. He has built a reputation that makes me trust and respect him on every decisions we are about to make as a young couple. 

-He is easy to be with. He appreciates good friends like brothers. He fights for relationships worth valuing. I never hear him say bad things about anyone. Even when he is tremendously upset. 

-He always remind me to be the better person no matter how hard my situation is. I admire the purity of his heart and motives. He is never arrogant nor self righteous. He never keeps scores of his life in comparison to someone else; which makes me understand how easy for him to live a life full of contentment and humility. 

-He celebrates life a lot! To him, there's no such thing as "I woke up at wrong side of the bed". 

I am so blessed to be given this wonderful gift of friendship. I am grateful for his life. 

As I look forward to more years, I can't help but praise God for working on the miracle of putting our lives together. 

I know we will live to tell this tale! :) 

The Noble Wife.

Had my daily devotion this morning and my topical bible brought me to this particular passage about the noble wife. The passage is in Proverbs 31:10-31.

While my early stage of marriage is still pretty much working for me, some words of wisdom from the bible could help me start founded properly on what the bible says.

Reading the passage as it enumerates descriptively how a noble wife should be scared me since most of it entails a lot of effort. At least for a working wife like me. However, as I claim God's promises in my life, juggling personal and career life can be all so worth it by the grace of God.

Thus, I'm sharing you what I've picked up.

1. A noble wife is God-fearing.
-Therefore, she is trustworthy at all times. "Who you are when no one is looking" will always reflect who God is in your life.

2. A noble wife enjoys her work.
- It is always better to quote:
"She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She’s like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
She’s up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she’s put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She’s skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking."

3. A noble wife doesn't worry. Is cheerful. Is full of faith.
-When I was single, I worry about almost everything. Now that I am in a charge of taking care of another life, or maybe more lives in the future (depending on how many children I'll have), I can expect worrisome days. The passage emphasized a cheerful character of a wife, always ready to face the day. Worry came from fear and the antidote of fear is faith. Simple logic I've learned by attending church when I was college. So I may expect worrisome days, but a life full of faith, leaps and overcomes with excitement.

More to say, but I'll perhaps just tell you to start enjoying your day! Cheers!